It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
