if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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