glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
