i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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