every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
