guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
