1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
