Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Randomize
