I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
