i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
