I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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