Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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