I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
