Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I seem to have left my pride at pride
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
