Screwed.edu
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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