Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
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