If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
