You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
