I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
