I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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