get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
