Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
