I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
