i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
