Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
