hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
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