you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
