Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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