I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
