just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
