it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
