Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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