Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
