You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
