Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
