This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
