I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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