I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
