I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Randomize
