just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
