Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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