my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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