OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
