i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
