worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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