Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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