how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
