I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
