Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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