I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
