everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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