yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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