Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
