How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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