i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
