I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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