I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I cut my penus on the lid.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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