Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
