Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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