yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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