Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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