Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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