I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
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