halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
