I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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