can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
