My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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