he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
